But I’m not disappointed at all, because it’s true that I’ve been thinking about the unique and warm life in the north for many years, and the kebabs, smoky and steaming beer bottles collide one after another in front of my eyes. If men and women love each other, naked words are even more important. At night, I have to go upstairs and walk into a small bungalow at will, and people can talk loudly and drink loudly. In the morning, I have to go through a vast vegetable field from the back door of my family area. Every time I walk in the cabbage with dew, I doubt that I will live in Changchun for a lifetime.
After all, it’s no good, and the difficulty soon came to pass. In Changchun, I encountered a difficulty, that is, the language lost just like work, and I was just writing novels. Although these novels are poor, the scenery in the south is obvious. In spring, there is a smell of corruption everywhere. I grew up in them and relied on them. Now, almost overnight, when I write, I suddenly can’t find their traces.
On the one hand, the broad streets are blue and solemn, and the days are solemn and solemn. The Russian-Japanese architecture is still spreading. Thousands of Marie Laure Gigon tender and flat sorghum and corn are growing enthusiastically as burning, while on the other hand, the narrow and curved alleys are always drying clothes, and there are still waterlogged bluestone steps all the year round. One is the north, the other is the south, and I am in the middle. Two invisible ropes tear me left and right. I don’t know who to describe, but I suffer from praise.
It was just a failure, and my writing career kicked off. But at that time, I was at a loss to fix my life in black and white. I never thought that coming to the North for dinner was not a problem. Getting along with people was not a problem. In the end, language became the most painful torture. Before I could describe the North, I only wrote the words belonging to the South, just like being frightened by the northern speech. I fled all night, but they didn’t come.
I don’t lose my mind, even if I let go of writing and tell people how many secrets, I can finally get past it, but I have repeatedly hinted that we may be close to those bleak victories, but in the end, all victories are just language victories
And the language crack is still widening. Turning right by car is called a big turn and a left turn. It is called a small turn. All the way in the vegetable market, vegetable vendors are calling for big brother, and I am more intimate. In the kebab shop, two previously unknown women can talk about each other for two or three minutes, and then they can call each other’s big sister more intimate. For me, my brother represents my brother. He is close to the cold war. He is far away in Belgium, and he is a lonely sister. That was when I was in foster care, and a girl a few years older than me was often when I was hungry and cold.
That’s it. I’m familiar with words and expressions, and I’m still attached to my emotions. Nellen is walking away from me like a river. I’m already restless, but I’m afraid of others. Maybe it’s a trivial matter for others. If people know that individuals are here, they will laugh if they don’t worry about tea and rice.
Try to find a way to get close to the language I am familiar with. On my way to my class, I will pass by the Overseas Chinese Hotel for a while. A large city called the Hubei Association to live here in Changchun. When I passed by the hotel early this morning, I saw the words "Welcome to the Hubei delegation" hanging in front of the door. I didn’t expect that I would attend this meeting. But I decided to do something I had to do at noon. I ran to the Overseas Chinese Hotel and found an unknown hometown person who told him that the city needed help. I was very willing to help and didn’t take any money. The other party stared at me for a long time and agreed.
I worked as a porter in the city for ten days. All day long, those complicated piles were moved from one venue to another. Although I was tired, when I walked in the vegetable field that I had to pass back to the Institute of Optics and Mechanics, I was also filled with feet and was given a lot of wind. I was also dragged to say a lot of words. Just in these words, many familiar things were revived on my tongue, such as mulberries and plum rains, and then the wild fox Zen in the bamboo forest of mandarin fish and banana.
This is a feast of lips and tongues. I have dug up my mind for many years. When it comes to speaking, I can rest assured and obstacles can be echoed. However, God, after ten days of the feast, my hometown people left Changchun and I lived alone in my northern city again. I am not sad that they left. My sadness is that no matter how much I don’t want to sell wine in Changting and fold willows in Fuling, those words and words will leave me after all.
The search for food markets, restaurants and repair shops can last for several months. I have been looking for my hometown people, especially in the north. Once I find them, I will find an excuse to talk. It is not so hard to find one, but it is often peddled by its owners to reprimand children, begging for a living and torturing these accents. In fact, their owners have no time to stop and meet my accents.
Since this time, I have roughly imagined that I may finally have to leave Changchun.
The language of the world used to be a tool of eloquence. It is life experience, lust, water margin and Leiyin Temple. Whether it is twisted like wool balls or flat after heavy snow, if you want to walk in, you can hide in the pavilion and recognize the clear flower path. What’s more, those who speak high-pitched and low-pitched voices cry and mumble endlessly. They are not only words and letters, but also witnessing your grief, madness, humiliation and damage.
For a writer, you trust language, that is, you trust life and abandon morality. Even if it is a villain, you should swear allegiance to it.
But on the streets of Changchun, I lost my object of submission.
The result is a sudden arrival. On this day, I came from the audio-visual market in Hongqi Street and was stumbled by a car for several steps, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t expect that when I was still looking down at the injured part of my body, someone jumped in the car but immediately wanted to refute the quarrel with me. But finally, I didn’t jump out of my mouth because I wanted to quarrel. When the other side was full of color, I hesitated to choose which sentence to fight back. Think about this. It is difficult to think about that sentence again, but this difficulty has already reached the point where the other party was in an urgent situation at that time. A sense of desolation was born, which told me that it might be time to leave.
When I walked into the Changchun train again, it was snowing heavily, and the beauty in the north was surging in the sky and the earth. The night was even deeper when the snow fell on the roof of the train. The ordinary fireworks were extremely enthusiastic. The snow fell on Stalin Street, a pine branch was crushed quietly, and after the snow fell, Songnen Ping’s hard-working children could finally leave and come back to tell James Joyce that the snow fell on the dead body, but it also fell on me. A man full of trains would never have thought that he had done an absurd thing in this city, and now he was defeated and prepared.
It’s been more than ten years since I returned to my hometown. I wrote some novels, but more often, I didn’t write anything. Now the problem is that I believe in the language. I believe in the things behind these languages, but how fast the times flow. I swear allegiance to the things, and they are all turned to dust in a little bit. As in Changchun, I am in the middle of the country. I am in a deadlock. On one side, I am alive, but on the other hand, I am getting more and more damaged and dumb. I believe in who I should grab and who should follow me. One day, Wang Gu left and right, and then he died of grief. Looking around, he looked around at the kitchen meeting room. When it was rainy, many hotels, ports and trains changed. Changchun, when he was 22, he couldn’t even find the right word for quarreling.
What should I do in the face of these four fields?
But there’s no other way to admit defeat. Just admit defeat before you continue to write. Just like William Stafford, others asked him what you were still writing, and he asked others what you were not writing.
There’s no other way but to treat Changchun as a porter in the market, then go to the food market, restaurant and equipment repair shop, and even come to the neighbors of the Institute of Optics and Mechanics to look for accents that may meet. Yes, only to fight another doomed battle and finally become the defeated and fleeing person. After more than ten years, I have been more or less ashamed to leave. It’s part of my destiny. At this moment, I wrote a blunt and inadequate farewell poem, but I remembered Robert Boley.
I said to myself, do I want to finally get grief? Go ahead. In autumn, you should be happy, ascetic, solemn and quiet, or spread your wings in the valley of grief.
make a snowman
In the early morning in the jungle of Xing ‘an Mountains, I just woke up from my dream and saw the mountains and rivers covered with heavy snow through Li Xiguang. The people hated things that left the world, not like crying in their mother’s arms, being quiet and intoxicated, not arguing and not saying a word.
Only in the nearby dense forest, the slightest movement is still proving that the vitality has never disappeared. The wind blows over the branches and shakes a lot of snow almost unknown. Finally, a few birds seem to have come out of the tree hole and tried for a while. Finally, they flew to the window sill where I live, pecked a few pieces of broken corn, and then gently pecked at my window glass. The reindeer came quietly in the snow and looked at me in a clear and gentle way. For a moment, it was like an appointment with each other.
This is the third day in a row. It will be on time at dawn every day, and now I can see it.
Speaking of it, I can almost be regarded as a friend. I can’t say when I can write it. I live in an Oroqen village to the west of this deserted resort. It is said that it is because of the ban on hunting in Xing ‘an Mountains in recent years that they have moved here. After spending more than ten days in the resort, I still haven’t been able to write a word, but the heavy snow has not stopped for a day. I am ashamed to go to Oroqen village and the children pile up snowmen together. It is strange to say that every time the children pile up snowmen, they are so tame. Deer will come as they are now, without coming near, standing quietly for a long time at a distance, and the children will not move a step, but their eyes will be scattered with some kind of eager light, just like envy, wanting to come to us and make a snowman with us
Even if I stepped forward and came to it, it was not afraid to touch it in the face of me. It gradually raised its head, and the hot air in its mouth spread in the snow curtain and slightly snorted and collided with my palm like a dragonfly falling on a lotus leaf. I already knew its origin. It was none other than the last reindeer left in the village of Oroqen. The children have long told me that it was a companion before the heavy snow, and its head was more beautiful than it. Unfortunately, just after the snow season, the companion slipped and fell into the ice cave in the river and never woke up.
Although almost all the Oroqen children have expressed their congratulations to me and repeatedly told me how auspicious it is to be favored by reindeer, I still feel a little incredible. I am just a new arrival here, but the reindeer just abandon others and follow me all day.
Yes, I have almost followed it, just like it came early in the morning, stubbornly waiting for me to show up. I didn’t do anything else. I got up and found some food in the house, and then I pushed the wooden door to send it to the snow curtain. In a flash, I have become a snowman. At this time, it has finished eating food and leaned over me bit by bit. I almost understood its meaning and reached out to touch it, but it was warm and slowly born. When it looked at me again, its eyes were full of some kind of euphoria.